Day Ninety Three and on through to Day 103- Patient Friends

Today I'm Grateful for: Patient Friends.

It has been nearly two weeks since I wrote anything of value on this blog. There are a lot of reasons, some are quite personal, but some I can share here. I will probably share some of the personal ones as well as we go through, but please bear with me while I try and sort this out and get something coherent on the page. I have been humming and har-ing over whether I will continue on this particular journey with you or just give it up as a bad joke. I had decided that I would continue with it, even if just to finish something this year. So many projects are left half done in my world, and it drives me nuts, as I am the worst offender. So as I have said before, I will continue, but I won't be doing the catch up for the past two weeks, let's just call it a holiday shall we? That's why I am grateful for patient friends today, because I know that those of you who care about me and my project will not judge me for my laxity and will just be glad that I am back.

So the past couple of weeks, I have been up and down, one day feeling well and happy,and the next day I am in tears and feeling like crap. Yes, part of the grieving process, I know my dears and it is ok. But it is times like this that I want to see my girl cousin whom I grew up with and just vent. I know I have my hubby and my girls to cry to if I need to, but they are grieving themselves, and just trying to get through their days as best as they can. It's like we are all tiptoeing around each other, carrying on the day to day stuff so that we don't set each other's grief off into overload. After all, there is so much going on at the moment, it's like we don't have time to grieve properly. It's like we keep pushing it back. I know that I 'change the subject' every time I think about Den not being here any more. Like now, I can't even do this without tearing up, so I'm going to move on to another subject. One day I will do what is necessary for me to cope and to deal with this particular issue. Don't have any idea what that will be, but I will get there.

And on to the next subject. The next phase of the Gratitude Journal - my way.

I still intend on letting you know what I am grateful for each day, whether that is something in my life, or something in myself, or in others. Time to learn what I need for the next part of this life.

Thanks for being patient and kind in letting me rant about things today. And I know that I have become somewhat repetitive, I guess all I can say is that the only way I know to sort my emotions is to journal, and this is it for the moment. Some days are just like that.
Believe it or not, I am actually kind of happy today. Weird way of showing it huh? Ah well,

Kisses

Julie

Day Ninety Two - Reflection today

Today I'm Grateful for time for reflection.

It has been over a week since I posted anything on the blog, for lots of reasons. One of them is that I think I just really needed time to reflect on why and what I am doing with my life, my time, my blog. I have been doing a lot of complaining, about how I can't seem to get my shit in one sock so to speak. And of course, I already know what is wrong, and what I have to do to get over it.

So here is to reflections, giving us the chance to see our lives clearer and give us a chance to create what we do want for ourselves.

Kisses

Julie

ps. I will be doing another 'catch up' round over the next few days. starting today.
more kisses

Day Ninety One - Listen to the Music

Today I'm Grateful for the opportunity to listen to the music.

We are surrounded by noise. Dogs barking, washing machines shuddering across the floor, fans whirring, refrigerators making weird whoop whoop noises, kids squealing as they are bouncing on trampolines, car doors slamming, more barking dogs...

How are we supposed to do any self-reflection exercises when all that is going on?

IPOD!!!!

Damn but I love my Ipod. I downloaded some more of my favorite music today, some stuff I haven't heard in a lot of years, some newer stuff and here I sit, all mellow and feeling good.

I'll reflect tomorrow while I'm doing the housework. Tonight, I'm just going to enjoy the music.

Kisses

Julie

Day Ninety - Self Awareness

Today I'm Grateful for Self Awareness.

Far too many people stride through their days, neither knowing or caring why they do the things they do. They tend towards the mindset that if they keep moving, they will eventually end up where they want to go. I was wondering if they had ever really considered their actions. After all, if you keep running in circles, all you are getting, is exercise!

Did that make sense? If not, let me explain a little... If we keep doing the same things, we will keep getting the same results. A lot of this is caused by people just not having any self-awareness. They simply do not stop, take a breath and question their own motives for their own actions. For instance, do they ask themselves why they get angry when someone else doesn't take their advice? Of course they don't. They simply think the other person is being unreasonable and ungrateful and then resentment sets in.

Asking ourselves why is a very good start to self-awareness. Remember to not only ask the original why, but keep on asking why until you get to the root of the problem. It is only by asking ourselves the hard questions that we can get to understand ourselves better and allow ourselves to move forward in our lives and our journey to connecting with our higher selves. And yes, it is important to keep moving forward, because it is only then that we can connect with other human beings in meaningful ways.

I have a fairly high level of self-awareness, although of late, it seems as though I have not asked why nearly enough. This is probably one of the reasons I am feeling flat and 'not me' as I said yesterday. So for the next few days, I will put aside some time for myself to do some of my self-awareness exercises... no, I promise I won't bore you with the details...lol. but I may give you some of the more relevant highlights. For now, I'm going to do some more work for the baby shower on Sunday, then go to bed. Love ya all.

Kisses

Julie

Day Eighty Eight and Eighty Nine - Back to Basics

Today I'm Grateful for Getting back to basics.

I have tried writing out what I am grateful for each day. I have tried being upbeat and positive. I have even tried finding things I like about myself. Now it seems I need to try something new to keep this project on track for the next 276 days. 

I have discovered that throughout all of this, the one thing that is constant, is that I have been endeavouring to find out what is wrong with me... why I feel a kind of emptiness. I have the most loving family whom I adore and wouldn't be without, I have a beautiful home, lots of interests and hobbies, but still feel, I don't know, less than what I am. I look in the mirror, and don't recognise the woman I see. Believe me, I'm not complaining, I'm just wondering where I went...

So for the next phase of my gratitude journal, I will still tell you one thing I am grateful for on that particular day. I will continue to find the positive and be as un-obnoxious as I can. However, I am also going to utelise this opportunity to find a solution. I am going back to basics. I am going to open my own mind and find out why I am feeling so obsolete.

Today I am grateful that I am still alive and moving forward on my self-awareness journey.

Kisses

Julie

Day Eighty Seven - Generosity

Today I'm Grateful that I am a Generous person.

No smart aleck remarks today. In fact I'm a little sad. Today is the seventh and final day of finding things I like about myself, and for the life of me, I couldn't figure out anything for today. Not until Hubby mentioned that I am a generous person. Too generous sometimes he said, but it's still a good thing. And yes, I do like that about myself. Isn't it a little sad though that I could only find six things about myself (without other people's input) that I actually like... yep, sad.

Without going all philosophical again, (because eldest doesn't like it when I do, and I think she is the only one who reads this), how has this exercise helped me? I have a whole list of things I don't like about myself, but can only find 7 things I do... that just sucks. No, eldest, I don't want you to list things you like about me, don't really think that would be helpful at this stage. I'm not really upset by this, just a little sad.

And so this experiment has come to an end. Nothing ventured nothing gained they say, but in this case, experiment done, no conclusions made.

Kisses

Julie

PS, on the upside, I am grateful for finding missing items... yay!

Day Eighty Six - Try Hard

Today I'm Grateful for being a Try Hard.

Gotcha again! I am into my sixth day of finding things I like about myself. Today I like that I always try really hard to accomplish what I set out to do. I work hard at any projects I do, and I am conciencious and even if sometimes I can't finish what I started, I know that I have always given it my best shot.

Kisses

Julie

PS... Today I'm Grateful for Getting things Done.
Lizzie came over today and between the three of us, we managed to get most of the preparation done for the baby shower on Saturday. Yay!
More kisses

Day Eighty Four and Eighty Five - No Grudges and Faith

Thursday 5th May 2011

Today I'm Grateful for the fact that I don't hold grudges.

Ever since I was a young girl, I have tried to live as if every day was a new beginning. That means not going to bed angry with someone you love, and trying to forgive the people who hurt you. I try my best to live like this every single day.

Friday 6th May 2011

Today I'm Grateful for my Faith.

No, I'm not going all preachy on you. Lol. My faith is just as strong as any born again Christian, and a hell of a lot simpler. My Faith is based on the fact that Everything Happens For A Reason. We may never know the reason, but we are always in the right place, at the right time, for whatever lessons we need to learn in this life. And also that every living thing has a soul. So I figure that if I remember those two basic things, I will remember to be patient, and kind. What more do I need?

Kisses

Julie

Day Eighty Three - Sense of Humour

Today I'm Grateful for my sense of humour.

Day Three of liking me... I do like my sense of humour, being of the somewhat twisted sense. I can usually find something funny in the silliest things. I like that.

And I am grateful that my family still needs me.

hehe, killed two birds with one stone today.

Kisses

Julie

Day Eighty Two - Pretty Smile

Today I'm Grateful for having a pretty smile.

As you know from my blog yesterday, this week I am finding something about myself that I like or love.

I like that I have a pretty smile, and that other people find that it makes me quite approachable.

Kisses

Julie

Ps. I am grateful for lovely weather, sunshine without too much heat. Mmmm, lovely.

Day Eighty One - Me

Today I'm Grateful for Me.

Haha, just kidding, I'm not really grateful for me at all. And there's the problem.

You see I was talking to eldest daughter Lizzie today as you will see if you read her blog alittlebitoflotsofthings.blogspot.com - and had a mild epiphany.

Just a mild one... how exactly does one have a mild epiphany? Anyways, Lizzie and I were talking, and essentially, she was saying that my blog was interesting, but not really what she had in mind when she first suggested it. How so I ask? I was getting too 'involved' says she. How so? I ask once more... She thinks I may be trying too hard to be 'philosophical'. Oops says I... I do tend to ramble once I start writing, so perhaps she could be right. And it is certainly not all that blather that makes me more grateful. Then the epiphany happens.

I'M ALREADY GRATEFUL FOR EVERYTHING!!!!! (see, the capital letters and lots of exclamation points are to emphasise what I just said)

It is so true though. I really am one of the most grateful people out there. I am grateful for my daily food, I am grateful for the lovely home we live in, I am grateful for my family and my friends. I am grateful for the earth and every living thing on it. I am grateful for my faith, and other peoples faith, everything that is worth being grateful for, I'm grateful for it. Every single day.

So what is the point of doing this blog then, if not to find things to be grateful for? What is it that I need to learn from all of this?

Going philosophical again, just for a second or so. I need to ask myself one question. What is it that I am dissatisfied with? What would I change?

Answer. Me.

Elements of me anyway.

So the Lizzie suggested that perhaps I needed to take a minute or so to find something I like about myself. I figure it is going to take me a little longer than that. So here's the new plan. for the next seven days I am not going to find anything to be grateful for (or maybe I can do that too), but I am going to find something that I truly like about myself. I can't fake it, no saying something if I don't really believe it.

First one of seven. I like the fact that I am honest with everyone, even myself.

Kisses (oh, and good luck for the next few days, hehehe)

Julie

Day Eighty - Prospects

Today I'm Grateful for Prospects.

It's funny how life works out sometimes. Our youngest daughter Jam has almost completed her Diploma in Community Services and now has to complete 10 weeks of work experience.

She has just asked me if I could run a poetry workshop as part of a project she needs to complete for the family centre she is working at. At first I said no, after all, I have no qualifications, and am not published (except a self-published work, which doesn't count as far as qualifications go), and am not very good with large groups of people. Then I thought more about it. I actually do know a fair bit about poetry, the rhythms and 'keeping it true to yourself'. It could actually be an interesting experiment, terrifying, but interesting.  And who knows, if it is successful, it may lead to something even more interesting. You just never know. I have also been 'reading' my cards lately, and all of them have been saying that I need to be open to new experiences. A workshop would definitely qualify. Even if the family centre decided not to use Jam's idea, or my workshop, then it has still gotten me to think about the next phase of my development. What is next for me? I am certainly not going to sit around and wait to die. I'm way too young for that. That's what I'm telling myself anyway. :)

So here's to Prospects of new beginnings on the horizon.

Kisses

Julie