Today I'm Grateful for:-
Today I'm grateful for the staff in the Intensive Care Unit.
This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Try and find something to be grateful for today.
We drove straight to the hospital from our motel and were there by 8.30am where a relative from Orange was there to meet us.
He showed us the way to ICU where we saw Uncle. He was attached to the life support machines, and his body was thrashing around, I didn't know it at the time, but he was fitting. I only know that I kept thinking, "this isn't him, they've made a mistake". My head knew it was real, but I couldn't quite grasp the reality of what was in front of me. I bolted. Left. Ran away.
I am finding this incredibly difficult. so just bear with me for a tic.
I came back, of course. I couldn't leave him there without letting him know that I was there and that I would do whatever it took to do what is best for him.
After a while more of the family arrived, so along with Brother and my Hubby, there was Uncle's daughter Poss, his Ex wife (still good friends), Aunty Darling, Uncle J, some cousins I had grown up with, ex wife's parents and new partner. A lot of people. All hoping for a miracle. And then we spoke to the specialist.
If we kept Uncle on the machines, he would remain in 'a vegetative state' for the remainder of his life. I think the staff at the ICU were surprised when we were asked if this is what Uncle would have wanted for himself, and every single one of us, at the same time said, "no way". It wasn't rehearsed, or discussed. It was just what we all knew.
And so the decision was made. The machines would be turned off. Immediately.
We gave Poss some privacy, to say her goodbyes, and it was heartbreaking to hear her cry, and wail after having been so strong before, the poor little girl just broke down and threw herself on her daddy's shoulder and said goodbye. She is only 14 years old, and much too young to lose her best friend.
Poss went out with her Mum's new partner, and the rellie from Orange and waited while the tubes were taken out and the machines turned off.
"On Monday we stood around your bed,
And Bore Witness to your last breath,
Each of us, standing strong for you,
Loving Sentinels to guard you in Death".
(this is an excerpt from the poem the family asked me to write for Uncle's funeral on Friday).
How the hell do I find something to be grateful for today? I'm trying to be strong, my poor Hubby, my poor Brother, and Uncle J and everyone, they are crying, not sure what to do.
I can't cry. I'm numb. It isn't real. Even though Hubby and I closed our dear Uncle's eyes for the last time, and I kissed his empty body goodbye. I can't cry. I'm devastated, but I can't cry. I think there is something wrong with me.
We go for a drink at the pub with Aunty Darling and the cousins. We have a nice talk and catch up. I can't cry. How can I be grateful today?
I'm grateful for the ICU nurse Sally (?) who cried to see our grief. She cried for us. Thank you. You all do such an amazing job in the ICU, something I could never do. Thank you for your tears, and your compassion. Maybe soon I will be able to grieve.
Kisses
Julie
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