Day Fifty Seven - Memories

Today I'm Grateful for my Memories.

If you are a regular reader of this 'blog', then you have probably figured out by now that I have spent the past three weeks doing anything and everything except dealing with my emotions with regards to losing my Uncle/Brother/Best friend/Terrible Twin. I have spent time with my daughters, moved things around in the house, cleared out cupboards, scrubbed, washed, rearranged and pretty much put everyone in the house into disarray.

Today was a slow day. I felt a little crappy, but determined to get the house cleaned up. Not so lucky I'm afraid. That nasty little pain in the head started up again, and just wouldn't quit. So I tried drinking fresh water, didn't work. I tried a quiet walk in the garden, didn't work. I tried my neck exercises, yep, you guessed it, didn't work. So I ended up back on the bed, painkillers, rested for awhile.

Yes, I am getting to the point. The point is, I had time alone, with nothing to do but think.

Normally thinking would be a good thing. It's where I get most of my great ideas (and some of my bad ones), but today I thought about Den (Uncle). I thought about our childhood together, and our 'disco' days as teenagers, about singing as we stride arm in arm down the street. I thought about how we were always there for each other, even when we lived in separate states. All this thinking made my head hurt even worse, I felt like crap. Physically and emotionally. But I didn't cry. Still. And then I worried over that awhile.

Then I had another thought.

Why do I have to cry to feel better? I know that I loved him. He knew that I loved him. And we all know that I am going to miss him even more as time goes along. In my experience, I will probably cry at the most inappropriate times, and for silly reasons, and I will laugh and dance inappropriately too (like at the wake). But for me, I cope by being busy, and spending time with my family. This is what is important to me.

I know that whenever I want to see Den, all I have to do is check out some of our photos, and memories of our time together will spring to mind, vivid and as real as if it happened yesterday. And I will remember Den, as being the funny, intelligent, outspoken, dedicated friend and brother as if he was here having coffee with me, just like always.

So today I am grateful that I have my memories of Den, so that I can visit him whenever I want. This helps me to know that I can move forward in my life without feeling bad that I am here, and he isn't.

Kisses

Julie